Not necessarily news
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Mama Griz subpoenaed to
testify
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August 26, 2011 |
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Federal
prosecutors, convinced that their "cute
and cuddly" star
witness in the case of United States vs.
Hill is misunderstood as a result of
sterotyping, are confident that once on
the stand, she will convince a jury that
she and her offspring had no malice
intent, but were only visiting the Hill
home near Porthill for a friendly game
of basketball and a turn on the
children's swing. |
In a move that surprised even the most wizened
court watchers, it has been learned that
prosecutors in the U.S. vs. Jeremy Hill case
have, with great difficulty, had a subpoena
served on the grizzly sow whose two year old
silvertip male offspring was shot and killed in
Boundary County on Mother's Day.
Professor Henry Brubaker, doctor of
jurisprudence at the Institute for Studies and
an expert consultant for Tru TV, called the move
unprecedented, but brilliant.
"She's the only per ... er ... witness who can
testify with any sort of credibility as to her
family's motive in going to the Hill property
that fateful day," Brubaker said. "She's the
only one who can say whether those kids playing
basketball were ever in imminent danger, as the
defendant contends, whether they'd merely
stopped by for a side of bacon, as witnesses
might testify, or whether, as the prosecution's
investigation thus far indicates, it was just a
misunderstanding that ended tragically, as the
bear family's sole motive after hearing the
bouncing basketball while strolling through the
neighborhood that evening was to challenge the
family to a three-on-three pickup game of
horse."
Sources close to the prosecution admit that such
a subpoena is extremely rare in the history of
jurisprudence, but say such bold action is
essential to their case.
"Without this bear's testimony giving the ursine
point of view, the only evidence at their
disposal to disprove the defense contention that
the defendant feared for the life of his wife
and children is circumstantial," a source
wishing to remain anonymous said. "Anyone who
regularly watches legal television, such as
'Judge Judy,' knows just how difficult, if not
impossible, it can be to bring such a difficult
case to a successful conclusion based solely on
circumstantial evidence, innuendo or heresay. In
the interest of justice, this is an unusual step
that simply had to be taken."
Serving the subpoena informing her of the lawful
mandate that she appear in the Coeur d'Alene
federal court at 9:30 a.m. October 4 was not a
simple matter, either.
"They had a terrible time tracking the surviving
family members, as they were last seen several
weeks earlier heading toward the forest and they
left no forwarding address," our source said.
"Idaho Fish and Game attempted to help us at our
request by setting out traps around the Hill
home to lure the bears back and capture them
alive, but after they were rebuffed the first
time they visited the Hill home, it's
understandable that the surviving bears
apparently chose to not return a second time."
Through perseverance, however, process servers
did eventually locate the two surviving bears
hiding in the forest in a remote and isolated
huckleberry patch deep within the
federally-mandated grizzly bear recovery zone
several miles from the Hill property, but
problems continued to dog the effort, as she and
her surviving offspring ate the first three
officials who attempted to serve the paper.
"We're still not sure if the pair were simply
ravenously hungry as they prepare for
hibernation, which is entirely understandable,
or whether the mother bear was merely frustrated
by her inability to sign the summons due to her
lack of opposable thumbs," our source said. "In
either case, we feel the bears were justified,
and we are continuing to look into it to ensure
we are able to do a better job next time such a
situation arises. We've already determined, for
instance, that it's probably wiser to request of
the court a postponement of any required
Ursus arctos horribilis
appearances so that they take place in the
spring, when grizzly bears are more likely to be
in a better mood. Based on what we've learned,
we're certain that grizzly bears will be more
amenable to the demands of the federal legal
system after they've enjoyed a long and
refreshing nap, and it will be considerably
safer for officers of the court if summons can
be served while the bears are fast asleep."
Prior to the fourth attempt at serving the
witness, a federal judge denied motion for a
delay in the trial, but did establish special
rules of engagement while waiving the
requirement that the bear sign to acknowledge
receipt.
A highly trained process server, who took along
an assistant, was then able to successfully
carry out the assignment. She tied the summons
to a rock and was able to deliver it by bouncing
it off the mother bear's head, employing a sling
to launch the weighted summons from a safe
distance. She then had just enough of a head
start to enable her to outrun her assistant,
who, unfortunately, was eaten.
With the summons served, prosecutors are now
working feverishly to resolve several concerns
raised by the U.S. Marshals service, who are
responsible for maintaining courtroom decorum
and safety and who fear primarily that the bear
is likely to refuse to remove her claws and
incisors prior to entering the court, as sharp
objects are prohibited in federal facilities.
In addition, Marshals also raised concerns that
the bear, having been raised mainly in the
woods, far removed from schools and other social
opportunity, may lack a grasp of etiquette
sufficient to ensure the dignified behavior
required of participants in cases heard in a
federal courtroom.
"I've been vacationing in bear country for a
very long time and I have considerable
experience dealing with them," said one senior
marshal from Miami, who is to command the
security detail at the upcoming trial. "When
confronted by a bear in the wild, I've never had
any success in convincing them to voluntarily
lay down their arsenal, as they believe firmly
in the right to bear arms ... no pun intended.
Faced with such intransigence in the past, I
typically chose to retreat to the safety of my
cabin for a few days rather than force a
confrontation, but in this case such recourse is
out of the question as the court's bidding is
paramount. I've also noticed that, whether in
their natural habitat or sniffing around my
cabin doors and windows, bears have a disgusting
propensity to belch, snort, growl or roar at the
most inopportune times, which can raise the hair
right off the back of your neck and would be
exceedingly unseemly behavior in a court of
law."
The Marshal insisted that special instructions
be included on the summons that was finally
served successfully, convinced that if the
witness reads them carefully she should gain
sufficient knowledge to curb her natural
instincts long enough to maintain the decorum of
the court and provide effective testimony.
"But bears are unpredictable, and we can't be
certain she took the summons as seriously as the
pursuit of justice demands," he warned.
He also expressed concern that the Mama Grizzly
and her offspring have already eaten four
officers of the court, calling such behavior
unsettling.
"It does raise significant concerns in my mind,"
he said, eyeing a box of donuts beside the
magnetometer, "but I believe in the system and
I'm confident that prosecutors will exert due
diligence and be successful in addressing these
issues to my complete professional
satisfaction."
He then selected a bear claw.
Prosecutors are challenged but undaunted by the
Marshals' concerns, our source said.
"They know that if they are able to get this
witness on the stand and she is able to testify
truthfully, their case against the defendant
will be strengthened considerably, conviction
will be assurred and the effort will thus be
worthwhile," he said. "If she testifies, as they
suspect she will, that her intent that day was
nothing more than a quick game of three-on-three
for she and her cubs, they're certain the jury
will spend little time in deliberation before
finding the defendant guilty, guilty, guilty."
The untimely demise of a few court employees,
the prosecution contends, is a small price to
pay for such a successful outcome.
Prosecutors also feel sure, our source said,
that such testimony will also quickly render
moot any community or political support
currently enjoyed by the defendant ... which,
they insist, is merely a knee-jerk reaction by
hicks totally unversed in the subtle niceties
and nuance of federal law.
Efforts by this journal to gain an interview
with the witness so as to provide fair, balanced
and unbiased reportage, to get her side of the
story and to learn whether or not she intends to
comply with the summons, or if she even read it,
were unsuccessful.
Services for the cub reporter we sent out last
week to get that coverage are pending and
dependent on the success of Search and Rescue.
Generous donations to her memorial fund may made
in advance by mailing them to this address.
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