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Musings from Moyieboy ...
Laws to make you proud, if you happen to be a nitwit
September 25, 2017
By Ken Carpenter

People throughout history have relied on their political leaders to create and implement laws to protect them. Many of these laws are sensible, and you do not have to be a genius to figure out why it became a law and how it was deemed necessary to enforce it.

However, humans being humans, those in a position of authority are not always concerned with a law making sense. Sometimes they make them for reasons unknown, but they are often more concerned with creating a law that serves a purpose that will benefit them personally in some manner.

Say, for instance, a legislator from Arkansas with a penchant for beating his spouse decides that state law should allow him to do so on a monthly basis. Would that be too much to ask?

Apparently not, for that very law either is or has been on the books in the state of Arkansas.

Before I go any further I need to voice a disclaimer to do with the various unbelievable laws I am about to divulge. They are all claimed to be either a past or present state law in America. I have no interest in researching their history, and will only do so if I decide to travel to another state to engage in some off-the-wall activity like whale hunting in Oklahoma.

Thanks to my research I know that whale hunting is strictly forbidden in Oklahoma, a state renowned for its lack of water, especially of the salty, whale-producing kind.

Should I go to that state, it might also be handy to know that you can be fined or jailed for making “ugly faces” at dogs. I don’t know if there is a penalty for looking at a dog if you are ugly without making a face.

I don’t mean to pick on Oklahoma, but I think there is a distinct possibility The Three Stooges had a hand in establishing some of their laws.

In another canine variety stipulation, dogs must have a permit from the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. It is also illegal to get a fish drunk in Oklahoma, and I am sure the populace sleeps easier knowing they will not be accosted by any pickled pike.

If The Three Stooges did go through a traveling lawmakers phase, they did not restrict their attention to Oklahoma.

If you happen to travel with a monkey who has an addiction to nicotine, do not take him through South Bend, Indiana. They can’t smoke there. I don’t know why ape puffing was such a problem that they had to make a law to forbid it.

In Massachusetts it is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. You know how deadly they can be. In North Andover they have a law that prohibits their citizens from carrying “space guns,” which must be at least as big of a threat as a goatee.

In Boston it is illegal to add ketchup to baked beans. They also say that you can’t take a bath unless a physician has ordered you to.

No wonder the Red Sox were cursed for umpteen years.

Mourners at a wake in Massachusetts can’t eat more than three sandwiches; it’s the law. Snoring is also prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. If you know a snoring, heavy eating, goatee wearing, space gun wielding, ketchup-loving fellow, tell him to stay away from Massachusetts.

Michigan has a state law that stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband. Divorce court must be an interesting place in those parts. I wonder if they have a barber set up in the corner.

Michigan also has dentists officially classified as “mechanics,” but I don’t know if it is called detailing when you get your teeth cleaned.

Well, I could go on for days, but I better save some material for another time and I am running out of space.

The thing about all the strange state laws that kills me is that every single one was instigated by some person who had been irritated or otherwise put out by a situation that convinced him a new statute was needed to control it.

I guess I can understand it.

You know how troublesome a smoking ape or a drunken fish can be.
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