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Musings from Moyieboy ...
Jobs you might not want
June 27, 2017
By Ken Carpenter

Ancient Egypt was juuust a bit of an odd place. If you recently moved there and checked out the local Help Wanted ads, you might be tempted to run, not walk, back to where you came from.

Then again, if you had a weird streak running up your backbone, you would dance a little jig.

Let’s take Pharaoh Pepi, whose 94 years on the throne earned him the distinction of being the longest reigning monarch in all of human history. His longevity was credited by many to his ingenious method of avoiding flies, a strange declaration if you ask me.

Egyptian flies must have been possessed of lethal skills as well as the hateful, filthy talents we credit to our fly population today.

The newcomer may have found a job listed that was described as a personal assistant to Pharaoh Pepi. This discovery could have inspired the job hunter to dance a witless little shoofly as he made his way to the palace.

Once there he would have been welcomed and shuffled off to a waiting station with the other applicants. After a brief survey the losers would have been led back the way they came. The winners were then prepared to meet their new boss.

They would find little pleasure during the preparation and even less when they were finally brought out to stand behind Pepi. All of them were coated from head to toe in honey, serving as what the Pharaoh considered to be the perfect flytraps to keep him safe.

I guess it worked, and worked and worked yet again, day after day for 94 years.

How would you like to put “Flytrap” down on your resume under Previous Employment?

Actually, there could be a worse title an Egyptian could put down on their resume, especially if you were a doctor.

A stone slab found near the pyramids in 1926 was inscribed with the following salute; “Iry, the chief court physician, ophthalmologist and the Pharaoh's guardian of the king’s anus.”

It is obvious that taking care of the royal butt was an occupation held in high esteem.

That particular occupation, distasteful as it sounds, led to a high standing among the court and the commoners, especially given his personal burial slab. No evidence suggests that people avoided shaking hands with him during his active "plumbing" years.

Another medical specialty developed in Egypt, and after I describe it you will be stupefied by the research necessary to arrive at such a treatment. Ancient Egyptians were the first known society to practice birth control.

I can’t imagine the subjects of this treatment to be very pleased with this method.

A potion of mud, honey and crocodile dung were crammed into the appropriate orifice. It was said to be very reliable, and I don’t doubt it for a moment. I suspect that half of the men who were expected to benefit from this process were knocked cold by a petrified crocodile bone, considering that the, uhhh, brick layer had already survived his job.

Another humiliating job to list on a resume. Cranny Crammer may appeal to a great many of job applicants, but how did they know they would not be struck blind for viewing the holy opening?

I’ll pass.

Another job was basically appointed from birth. Dwarfism, deformed ugliness and the status of a giant were all guarantees of future employment, probably for life. They became gold workers.

This designation of a workforce for the gold business was really quite brilliant. How could any gold be stolen if the loot was carried by a dwarf, a giant or an ogre twin? Not likely, but at least job security was assured for those unfortunate souls who qualified.

The last job of many unmentioned skills to list on a resume was not humiliating at all, but highly sought after. Many things were considered sacred in Ancient Egypt, and at the top of the list were cats.

The feline princes were so revered that they were mummified and buried in cat cemeteries. They were accompanied by a bowl of milk and some mummified mice, in case they got thirsty or wanted something to slap around.

Cat mummification skills must have been in very high demand. In 1888 a farmer discovered a feline tomb containing an astounding 80,000 cat mummies!

That kind of gives me the creeps. Considering the possible evil spell abilities of Egyptian mummies, who's to say that cat mummies would not make you yowl, gobble mice, use their tongue for toilet paper and curl up in the lap of a human flytrap?

Well, I admit to being dumfounded were I to be transported to ancient Egypt in search of a job. I’d have to strain my easily flabbergasted mind to come up with something that would not morph into something horrible.


I guess I’d have to settle for a pointy-bra maker. At least you might experience a little spice in your life until they coated you with honey.
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