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Musings from Moyieboy ...
Boy, that beer has a wizz to it!
June 26, 2017
By Ken Carpenter

It seems the world never runs out of new and different ideas, some good but most on the debatable side as far as being useful to mankind. About 7,000 years ago one of mankind’s greatest achievements took place.

Beer was invented then, or at least that is how old the earliest remnants were dated. It could be argued that that invention created more smiles and more fistfights than anything else in history.

Pilsner beer, the world’s first blond lager, was first produced in Bohemia, then part of the Austrian Empire. The original recipe is still made there.

Denmark eventually made Pilsner its own, or said they did, and Pilsner is now its most popular beer.

Danish brewery Norrebo Bryghus has now taken a step in the brewing process that nobody could have foreseen. It started at Denmark’s Roskilde Music Festival in 2015. Over 130,000 music loving beer drinkers attended. Even more so than usual, heavy beer swilling was encouraged.

Have you ever heard the saying “this beer tastes like urine?” Somehow this opinion inspired the craft brewery in Copenhagen to pursue a warped idea, and let’s hope it wasn’t one of those childhood dreams we hear so much about.

People have probably been institutionalized for far less disturbing ideas.

The brewery collected over 10,000 gallons of urine from the festival, then proceeded to fertilize their barley fields it. They called it “beercycling,” a new way to fertilize the future malt for their Pilsner.

No actual pee is in the beer, only the malt from which is was created.

Of course, it didn’t quite qualify as Pilsner, so it naturally became Pisner. I suppose that was only natural, but I wondered if there was a power struggle in the naming process. Were titles submitted such as Peener, Urinzer, Tinklner or Wizzner? Maybe not, but it sounds fun to me.

60,000 bottles of Pisner were made with the specialty malt, and it will hit the market at the end of June 2017. Shortly after the Pisner story became known, many immediately dubbed it “Hipster” beer.

I don’t know why, but I’m guessing hipsters are about as popular over there as they are here. Personally, I wouldn’t know a hipster if he walked up and asked me where the nearest loo was located.

So if urine luck (sorry, couldn’t help it), some of the infamous Pisner may make it this way before it is all hipstered up. Don’t bet on it though. Somehow I suspect that the foamy supply will be hosed up before any leaves Europe.

People are warped, that’s all there is to it, and I suspect the novelty factor will make it popular.

This story got me thinking, a scary thing in these parts. What are some other disgusting alcoholic drinks around the world?

A traditional “health tonic” in Chinese and Korean cultures consists of taking freshly born baby mice, eyes still closed, and dropping them into a jug of rice wine. The wine is then left to ferment and after the process is complete, the wine is imbibed and the mouse is eaten. This beverage is called Baby Mice Wine, and you are all allowed to leave the room to puke.

The most disgusting name for a drink was invented when some idiot mixed up 50% beer with 50% milk and drank it down just like he had sense. Some perceptive witness to the deed dubbed it Horse Jizz.

Bring on the Pepto Bismol!

Mayonnaise is perplexingly popular in more than one alcoholic mixture, a crime if you ask me. The Tapeworm Shot is Vodka and Tabasco Sauce with a healthy squeeze from a mayonnaise bottle.

Next up is the Smoker’s Cough, a blend of Jagermeister and Mayonnaise. I suspect that even smoking wouldn’t be as bad for you as this vile concoction.

If you are a fan of Jagermeister, you may delight in forcing down an Eggermeister. This little masterpiece is a pickled egg soaked in Jager, then placed in a glass with more Jager. I love pickled eggs, hated Jager when I used to drink, and am at present gagging at the thought of the combination.

The name of the next one makes me want to hurl. The Infected Whitehead Shot is Vodka, Bloody Mary mix and a spoonful of cottage cheese. Please save this one for your irritating brother-in-law.

Sinking further into the quagmire, we move on to New Zealand where they have a chocolate stout that includes a measure of “export quality” deer semen. The brave, ignorant souls who have sampled it describe it as creamy. Urrrggh! It is called Stag Semen Stout, just in case anyone wants to place an order to New Zealand.

Snake Bile Wine explains itself. Popular in China, it is made of the bile from a Cobra gall bladder added to wine. In traditional Chinese medicine it is said to be able to do everything from reversing hair loss to eliminating phlegm, and even improving sexual performance.

Consider me bald and limp.

Seagull Wine is made by the creative Innuits, up by the Arctic circle, who stuff a dead seagull in a jar and let it sit in the sun until it ferments. I guess it gets them drunk, so who cares?

I do, rotten carcasses should not be put down your throat.

There is a Latin American corn-based beer called Chicha, which could not be made without a traditional ingredient. The component is about as traditional as you can get if you are looking for an inexhaustible supply source. The drink has two ingredients, corn and the human saliva needed to break down starches into sugars.

“Hey, hombre, where ya going?”

“Going to work, dude. Been swilling fluids all night so I don’t run out of spit for their damned beer. Ever hear about a Corona?”

Last, forever last, disgustingly last and meant to be burned from your memory banks forever, comes ttongsul. This abomination is of Korean origin and it is made by fermenting human feces.

That’s right, served in a bowl it could be called “poop soup.”

A Korean doctor who makes it says that the “ideal” material comes from children between the ages of four and six. It is another of the loathsome traditional brews that supposedly has healing properties.

The rotten concoction almost disappeared in the 1960’s, but has apparently made quite the comeback. That is not a good sign for mankind and the future of the world.

I’m feeling a bit queasy after this journey through the dark side. The odd thing is, I can’t even stand the thought of letting a drink of water pass my lips.

Who knows what vile microbes might be lurking in the bottom of the glass.
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