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Musings from Moyieboy ...
Lipstick on a stick
April 24, 2017
By Ken Carpenter

When I was a kid, back when everything seemed old, one thing that didn’t were women’s lips. You couldn’t see the old even if it was there because all of them were liberally painted with lipstick.

At least it seemed that way to my untrained eye.

I think it is probably more likely that my eyes were just drawn to the bright colors, almost always as red as Bozo the Clown’s nose, rather than run of the mill neutral lips.

For some reason, red lips were as intimidating as they were intriguing to me. In fact they still are, maybe because of my lifelong infatuation with vampires and zombies.

A study conducted by the University of Manchester showed that men look at women with lipstick on longer than women with bare lips.

They were most entranced by red lipstick, staring at it for an average of 7.3 seconds, while their gaze lingered on women with pink lipstick for an average of 6.7 seconds.

They only glanced at women with bare lips for an average of 2.2 seconds, which seems to back up my childhood bias against bare lips.

Red has been a protective color against malevolent forces since the dawn of man. One of man's most susceptible zones to evil was thought to be his mouth, so lips were originally painted red to stop wicked forces from entering the body and taking possession of it.

Funny, I was always under the impression that red should be associated with devilish tendencies. I guess that shows what I know, but red lips still seem to be on the malicious side to me.

Lipstick has been popular, for different reasons, for over 5,000 years. In fact, it used to be applied with wet sticks, though that is sadly not why it is called lipstick. It comes in round sticks, plain and simple.

What’s not plain and simple is the vast variety of materials used to make lipstick.

It seems that every kind of animal part, many bugs and lots of toxic substances have been used to coat lips since lip coating first began. Needless to say, hundreds of other things have and are still used to make lipstick, and fish scales are still used to provide that special sheen.

In ancient Mesopotamia, the rich used to grind up jewels and color their lips with the dust. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but kissing crusty lips does not sound like a sport I would like to indulge in. Even if the face behind the lips were gorgeous and willing, a guy would have to consider the damage ground in jewel dust could do to his smoochers.

Maybe kissing was only practiced by the lower class.

In the 1500s, many people in England believed that lipstick actually had magical powers. Queen Elizabeth had such a powerful belief in its healing powers that she was wearing half an inch of lipstick just before she died.

Think about that for a minute. Half an inch of coating on a set of lips! That sounds positively terrifying to me, and the image it brings to mind takes me back to the vampires and zombies I mentioned before.

Guys, next time you kiss your lady visualize what her lips would look like with half an inch of paste on them. Try very hard not to flinch away or turn green, because I promise you that you will pay for it.

In the 16th century somebody had a lot of fun naming lipsticks. Their monikers included ape’s laugh, chimney sweep and dying monkey. There’s another thing for the guys out there to think about the next time they lay a smacker on somebody. If a giggle pops out, you’re on your own.

The Catholic Church once connected red lipstick use with the worshipping of Satan. (I told you so!)

That belief seemed to catch hold later in 18th century England too. The English Parliament decided lip painting altered "God’s most precious gift," so they passed a law stating, “women found guilty of seducing men into marriage by a cosmetic means could be tried for witchcraft.”

That seems a bit harsh to me. Wouldn’t a few days locked in the stocks be enough punishment? If they used red, of course, they might need a bit more.

Guerlain’s KissKiss Gold and Diamonds Lipstick will set you back $62,000.

The lipstick by itself is worth $34, but the tube is made of 110 grams of 18k gold and encrusted with 199 diamonds to really add some nice sparkle. Of course, the lipstick is refillable for life.

Seems only fair to me.

Statistics say that 65% of American women use lipstick daily, and 25% won’t leave home without it. Those same statistics say that the average woman will use their height of it every five years, use nine pounds of it in their lifetime and spend almost $1,800 on it in that same lifetime.

I find all of those things hard to believe, if my personal observations mean anything at all. Maybe I am a poor lip observer, or maybe small North Idaho towns don’t use as much lipstick as city girls.

Or maybe, just maybe, some statistics are as full of crap as the boneheads who pay $62,000 for a tube of lipstick.
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