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Musings from Moyieboy ... |
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The attack of the flaming bacon bombs |
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April 11, 2017 |
By Ken Carpenter
I know people who would kill for bacon. Don’t
laugh, it’s true. If they had been lost in the
woods for a week and suddenly found their way to
your campsite, and you denied them the pile of
bacon on your plate, they would murder you and
gobble the bacon.
Several months later they would be ruled
innocent by a very understanding jury that
bought the Temporary Insanity plea. This same
jury would have sent out to Wendy’s every day
for 12 Baconnaters, six luscious strips of bacon
on a half-pound cheeseburger.
Wendy’s sold 25 million in its first eight weeks
on the market, and would gladly pay half of a
Human Baconnater’s defense bill as wise
advertising.
Over two billion pounds of bacon is made in the
U.S.A. every year. It is one of the oldest
specially prepared meats in history, with traces
of it found from 1,500 B.C.
The word bacon is said to come from the German
word “bacho,” which means buttock.
No wonder men love bacon so much.
Men have no monopoly on bacon love. I think my
late sister’s favorite meal, the one she would
have chosen on Death Row as her very last
supper, would be a pound of crispy bacon. Sorry
Sis, the truth had to come out sooner or later.
There is a T-shirt saying “I’d be a vegetarian
if bacon grew on trees.” Of course, even
vegetarians don’t go without their own form of
bacon, even if it is made of soy products. It
looks, acts and tastes like a baconish
impersonator, but it might still be called a
bacon cousin just because of its desire to be
so.
Right here I am going on record as an enemy of
fake bacon bits, the things in a jar that you
are supposed to put on a salad. It is not so
much that they are hideous, but you taste them
for like four days. Urp!
“Bringing home the bacon” is a famous expression
whose origin is a little uncertain.
Some say it comes from an old 12th century
English custom that awarded a side of bacon to
any couple who had celebrated their one-year
wedding anniversary and the husband could swear
before the congregation and God that they had
not argued for a year and a day.
I don’t know about anybody else, but I’d lie
like a rug for a pound of bacon, so I doubt they
were all honest.
Another possible version comes from European
peasants in the 1500s who could rarely afford to
buy pork. When they did, they would hang it up
to show off to any visitors, showing that they
were able to “bring home the bacon.” To really
show off, they would cut off slivers to share
with the company, and then sit around and “chew
the fat.”
There are a lot of different bacons made around
the world, and naturally American bacon is
renowned for being made from the fattiest part,
the belly. Americans could care less, we like
being fat.
When Jon Stewart of The Daily Show heard about
the new bacon-flavored mayonnaise product,
Baconnaise, he just had to make a comment on
American gluttony and sloth: “for people who
want heart disease, but are too lazy to actually
make the bacon.”
Bacon may actually get a little bit of a bum rap
when it comes to fat. It has no trans fat and if
fried crisp and drained, it only contains about
30 to 40 calories per slice. That makes a few
slices on their own healthier in terms of
calories, salt, fat and cholesterol than a hot
dog, hamburger or glazed donut.
Of course, who just eats a few slices of bacon?
Nobody! It is so much better heaped up on
something!
My dear, departed wife made us some dark
chocolate-coated bacon to go with dinner one
night, so I could strut around like a real man
and brag about the bacon fueled fervor my
dessert provided. It was good, as is a maple bar
with three slices of crisp bacon layered on top.
Bacon products are getting out of hand though,
in my humble opinion. Bacon-infused vodka, bacon
ice cream, deep-fried bacon, bacon soda-pop and
every kind of bacon pastry you can think of. As
I mentioned, make mine a maple bar.
For the woman who has tried everything in the
world to attract a man short of dressing in
cellophane, there is a very interesting option
out there. It has always been said that the way
to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and now
the Fargginay Company has found a way to make it
easy.
They are selling two versions of Classic Bacon
Fragrance perfume, either one of which can make
a man drool from 100 feet away.
Oddly, they are marketed to both sexes. If you
run into a member of the opposite sex who is
wearing the same stuff, well, let’s just say it
is a match made in a frying pan.
There is a good chance they would both have some
Bacon Drink Tabs in their pocket. These
effervescent tablets add fizzy bacon flavor to
any liquid you add them to, and my stomach
churns at the thought.
Mark “The Human Vacuum” Lyle set the modern
bacon eating record by scarfing 54 slices in
five minutes. I don’t know why, I must be
getting jaded, but that barely impresses me.
In closing I must make some mention of using
bacon as a weapon, though in truth it was bacon
on the hoof called war pigs. A siege in 266 B.C.
was led by one country’s vast army of war
elephants, putting their foe at a disadvantage,
for of elephants they had none.
The besieged army of Megarians (Who?!) doused a
bunch of pigs with combustible resin and set
them aflame, then drove the flaming, squealing
swine towards the massed war elephants of
Antigonus II Gonata (Anti, is that really you?).
Apparently elephants hate flaming, squealing
pigs, so they bolted in terror, killing bunches
of their own soldiers and ending the siege. I
feel just awful for those poor, heroic hogs.
That terrible waste of bacon brings a tear to my
eye too. |
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