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Musings from Moyieboy ...
Those Ringtone Blues
March 20, 2017
By Ken Carpenter

I had my son put a new ringtone on my cell for me last year. Yes, my inherited Droid Maxx confuses the droppings out of me. Anyway, the sound coming forth from my smug phone now is the cawing of a crow.

I chose this because I like crows and ravens, and they both seem to follow me around. The sequence goes Caw Caw, Caw Caw, Caw Caw Caw. It sounds very real and could, perhaps, be interpreted as a lonely, lust crazed male trying to dial up any receptive females in the vicinity.

He might be saying, “Look at me ladies! Ain’t I a sight to behold?”

The little crow speech accompanying me has spawned some interesting responses, mainly from me.

I have occasionally either confused the cawing for my phone or my phone for a crow. These occasions have made me look quite the fool in a couple of parking lots. Either I’m looking around for an invisible crow or giving my phone a slackjawed stare.

I was in the supermarket one day at the checkout stand when it cut loose and the first thing the young man behind the counter did was jerk his head up and look at the ceiling. I managed not to snort, just emitting a short chuckle that would later burst forth loudly in the parking lot.

His response did make me wonder if any crows had been in the store lately. Perhaps they caught one peering from the steel beams in the ceiling, greedily smacking his beak as he waited patiently for the meat below to rot.

Another time it went off in a thrift store and a startled employee came rushing out of a back room, mouth agape. I lifted the phone up so she could see it and we both smiled with amusement.

I do think I’ll hang on to this ringtone, for it tends to liven things up intermittently.

A Mr. T ringtone is still very popular, bombastically bullying the pitiful fool into picking up ‘yo’ phone. Hard to believe that Mr. T is still so popular, I thought maybe he was a bouncer in a bar somewhere. He still might be, and the only bouncer in America with his own personal ringtone.

Super Mario is also in demand, another big surprise. Retro must be one of the ruling parties of tones now. I don’t think Mario deserves it, because playing his game turned me into a big boob who was into nothing more than being a laugh track instigator for my two young sons.

Ponder for a moment the possibilities of a ringtone.

You could really stir up any crowd if it shouted, “Get your hands up and give me all your dough, suckers!”

You may come close to getting shot once in a while, but look at all the boredom you could kill.

Fart noises could also raise eyebrows and flare nostrils. They are extremely popular as ringtones, with literally hundreds of different butt cannons available. I’ve heard quite a few real ones in my day, but I can’t really say that there was that much diversity in them.

Maybe I’m not worldly enough enough to categorize that many.

Just think if a guy had to name them all. Most people have found names for different breeds of toots, like Sneaky, Pipsqueak, Buster or Trombone. I would really hate to see them broken down to the point where you had to resort to calling them Jasper, Sid or Mabel.

Anyway, that’s enough about gassy electronics. I’m sure there are worse ringtones out there, though maybe not a whole lot that cause people to look around frantically to make sure they aren’t in the smell zone.

Personally I’d take a toot tone over a Barry Manilow tone or a Justin Bieber tone any day of the week. I’m sure that if my cell got frozen on one of those I would put a bullet through its head.

Then again, who cares what somebody thinks who walks around with a horny crow in his pocket.
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