Not necessarily news ...
Mama Grizz subpoenaed to testify
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| Federal prosecutors, convinced that their "cute and cuddly" star witness in the case of United States vs. Hill is misunderstood as a result of sterotyping, are confident that once on the stand, she will convince a jury that she and her offspring had no malice intent, but were only visiting the Hill home near Porthill for a friendly game of basketball and a turn on the children's swing. |
Professor Henry Brubaker, doctor of jurisprudence at the Institute for Studies and an expert consultant for Tru TV, called the move unprecedented, but brilliant.
"She's the only per ... er ... witness who can testify with any sort of credibility as to her family's motive in going to the Hill property that fateful day," Brubaker said. "She's the only one who can say whether those kids playing basketball were ever in imminent danger, as the defendant contends, whether they'd merely stopped by for a side of bacon, as witnesses might testify, or whether, as the prosecution's investigation thus far indicates, it was just a misunderstanding that ended tragically, as the bear family's sole motive after hearing the bouncing basketball while strolling through the neighborhood that evening was to challenge the family to a three-on-three pickup game of horse."
Sources close to the prosecution admit that such a subpoena is extremely rare in the history of jurisprudence, but say such bold action is essential to their case.
"Without this bear's testimony giving the ursine point of view, the only evidence at their disposal to disprove the defense contention that the defendant feared for the life of his wife and children is circumstantial," a source wishing to remain anonymous said. "Anyone who regularly watches legal television, such as 'Judge Judy,' knows just how difficult, if not impossible, it can be to bring such a difficult case to a successful conclusion based solely on circumstantial evidence, innuendo or heresay. In the interest of justice, this is an unusual step that simply had to be taken."
Serving the subpoena informing her of the lawful mandate that she appear in the Coeur d'Alene federal court at 9:30 a.m. October 4 was not a simple matter, either.
"They had a terrible time tracking the surviving family members, as they were last seen several weeks earlier heading toward the forest and they left no forwarding address," our source said. "Idaho Fish and Game attempted to help us at our request by setting out traps around the Hill home to lure the bears back and capture them alive, but after they were rebuffed the first time they visited the Hill home, it's understandable that the surviving bears apparently chose to not return a second time."
Through perseverance, however, process servers did eventually locate the two surviving bears hiding in the forest in a remote and isolated huckleberry patch deep within the federally-mandated grizzly bear recovery zone several miles from the Hill property, but problems continued to dog the effort, as she and her surviving offspring ate the first three officials who attempted to serve the paper.
"We're still not sure if the pair were simply ravenously hungry as they prepare for hibernation, which is entirely understandable, or whether the mother bear was merely frustrated by her inability to sign the summons due to her lack of opposable thumbs," our source said. "In either case, we feel the bears were justified, and we are continuing to look into it to ensure we are able to do a better job next time such a situation arises. We've already determined, for instance, that it's probably wiser to request of the court a postponement of any required Ursus arctos horribilis appearances so that they take place in the spring, when grizzly bears are more likely to be in a better mood. Based on what we've learned, we're certain that grizzly bears will be more amenable to the demands of the federal legal system after they've enjoyed a long and refreshing nap, and it will be considerably safer for officers of the court if summons can be served while the bears are fast asleep."
Prior to the fourth attempt at serving the witness, a federal judge denied motion for a delay in the trial, but did establish special rules of engagement while waiving the requirement that the bear sign to acknowledge receipt.
A highly trained process server, who took along an assistant, was then able to successfully carry out the assignment. She tied the summons to a rock and was able to deliver it by bouncing it off the mother bear's head, employing a sling to launch the weighted summons from a safe distance. She then had just enough of a head start to enable her to outrun her assistant, who, unfortunately, was eaten.
With the summons served, prosecutors are now working feverishly to resolve several concerns raised by the U.S. Marshals service, who are responsible for maintaining courtroom decorum and safety and who fear primarily that the bear is likely to refuse to remove her claws and incisors prior to entering the court, as sharp objects are prohibited in federal facilities.
In addition, Marshals also raised concerns that the bear, having been raised mainly in the woods, far removed from schools and other social opportunity, may lack a grasp of etiquette sufficient to ensure the dignified behavior required of participants in cases heard in a federal courtroom.
"I've been vacationing in bear country for a very long time and I have considerable experience dealing with them," said one senior marshal from Miami, who is to command the security detail at the upcoming trial. "When confronted by a bear in the wild, I've never had any success in convincing them to voluntarily lay down their arsenal, as they believe firmly in the right to bear arms ... no pun intended. Faced with such intransigence in the past, I typically chose to retreat to the safety of my cabin for a few days rather than force a confrontation, but in this case such recourse is out of the question as the court's bidding is paramount. I've also noticed that, whether in their natural habitat or sniffing around my cabin doors and windows, bears have a disgusting propensity to belch, snort, growl or roar at the most inopportune times, which can raise the hair right off the back of your neck and would be exceedingly unseemly behavior in a court of law."
The Marshal insisted that special instructions be included on the summons that was finally served successfully, convinced that if the witness reads them carefully she should gain sufficient knowledge to curb her natural instincts long enough to maintain the decorum of the court and provide effective testimony.
"But bears are unpredictable, and we can't be certain she took the summons as seriously as the pursuit of justice demands," he warned.
He also expressed concern that the Mama Grizzly and her offspring have already eaten four officers of the court, calling such behavior unsettling.
"It does raise significant concerns in my mind," he said, eyeing a box of donuts beside the magnetometer, "but I believe in the system and I'm confident that prosecutors will exert due diligence and be successful in addressing these issues to my complete professional satisfaction."
He then selected a bear claw.
Prosecutors are challenged but undaunted by the Marshals' concerns, our source said.
"They know that if they are able to get this witness on the stand and she is able to testify truthfully, their case against the defendant will be strengthened considerably, conviction will be assurred and the effort will thus be worthwhile," he said. "If she testifies, as they suspect she will, that her intent that day was nothing more than a quick game of three-on-three for she and her cubs, they're certain the jury will spend little time in deliberation before finding the defendant guilty, guilty, guilty."
The untimely demise of a few court employees, the prosecution contends, is a small price to pay for such a successful outcome.
Prosecutors also feel sure, our source said, that such testimony will also quickly render moot any community or political support currently enjoyed by the defendant ... which, they insist, is merely a knee-jerk reaction by hicks totally unversed in the subtle niceties and nuance of federal law.
Efforts by this journal to gain an interview with the witness so as to provide fair, balanced and unbiased reportage, to get her side of the story and to learn whether or not she intends to comply with the summons, or if she even read it, were unsuccessful.
Services for the cub reporter we sent out last week to get that coverage are pending and dependent on the success of Search and Rescue. Generous donations to her memorial fund may made in advance by mailing them to this address.