By Ken Carpenter
Over 2400 years ago, Hippocrates, the famous
Greek physician who diagnosed and misdiagnosed
more new afflictions than anyone in history,
came up with a new one. Based on only two
puzzling cases, he wrote that “men who feared
that which need not be feared” were suffering
from a phobia.
It came from phobos, the Greek word for intense
fear.
These two patients were just tip of the phobic
iceberg, for he found more and more after he
started looking for them. He actually wasn’t the
expert he assumed himself to be, for he claimed
that irrational fears were caused by a build-up
of black bile that overheated the brain. That
doesn’t sound good, I think I’d rather have a
regular old phobia.
One of his famous students, Aristotle, had a
different theory. He thought that the heart was
the seat of all sensations and the brain was a
cold, bloodless part of the body that absorbed
hot vapors arising from the heart. Later on in
history this viewpoint led to blaming “an attack
of the vapors” on any nervous disorder.
I have a personal fondness for “the vapors,” so
I take great delight in using the term to
describe people who get overly flustered by
minor things. It could possibly be that minor
things just overly please me.
It is estimated that eight percent of Americans,
over 11.5 million people, experience one of the
250 known phobias. That’s some interesting
trivia, but I doubt it is considered trivia by
any of the phobia victims.
Number five on the top five most common phobias
is Cynophobia, the fear of dogs. Over 75-percent
of the humans suffering from this are women,
perhaps because they associate unruly dogs with
insufferable men from their past. That is not a
medical opinion.
Number four is Agorophobia, a fear of open or
crowded spaces. Needless to say, these folks are
loners, and 2 out of 100 people have it. Many
more than that can develop it instantly if they
wish to skip a boring awards ceremony.
Number three is Acrophobia, a fear of heights,
which 10% of the world’s population suffers
from. I can certainly understand that one, when
you are as short as me the top aisle at the
grocery store can be scary.
Number two is Ophidophobia, the fear of snakes,
and it is estimated that 1/3 of the world’s
humans have this one. It probably started out as
a survival instinct, and it is a great boost to
the rubber snake business. Being responsible for
a shriek of terror from somebody can be quite
satisfying.
One of the most interesting fears is
Omphalophobia. Believe it or not, it is the
anxiety brought on by sight, touch or even the
thought of belly buttons. Just think how these
people would feel if they could see the three,
dated jars of belly button lint that hold the
world record for this substance. A librarian has
been removing and saving BBL before his shower
for so long he now has about ¾ of an ounce
stored safely in three quart jars. It is hard to
tell who is crazier, the Omphalophobe or the
lint hoarder.
Alektorophobia is a fear of chickens and
Anatidoephobia is the fear of ducks. In both
cases the sight of the feathery demons can
incite tremors and even spawn thoughts that the
heartless birds are planning evil plots to harm
the poor soul who fears them. It kind of makes
me want to munch a chicken leg, and I’m not sure
why.
The fear of holes, either tiny ones in food or
larger ones of any kind, is called Trypophobia.
It is said to be more common than you might
think. Unfortunately, it also brings to mind
another phobia.
Proctophobia, or Rectophobia if you prefer, is a
fear of anything to do with rectums. It must be
a horrible one to have, for it would literally
poop, excuse me, I meant pop, up in some way
every day. It is not clear if these poor folks
also fear the planet Uranus.
Resting cheek to cheek with this phobia is
Flatulophobia, the terror brought on by farting.
Whether by oneself or by another, the sound or
smell of a toot can cause so much horror that
these victims may panic and flee their immediate
surroundings. Bring on the Whoopee Cushions!
As with any subject in the world, there have
probably been thousands of fake phobias invented
for the pure joy of it. Get ready for this one,
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is said to
be the fear of long words. It would likely bring
tremors to anyone competing in a spelling bee,
if indeed it were real. Thankfully, it is not.
I came across another phobia that I was eager to
diagnose myself with. I think it would easily be
number one on any list if, IF, I say with a
heavy sigh, it were real. It is Dumasaphobia,
the fear of stupid people, or dumbasses if you
prefer. Since there is a website called
Dumasaphobia that sells a great many items from
T-shirts to coffee cups, it is easy to see who
fabricated this bogus affliction.
In truth, I have a great deal of respect for
these entrepreneurs. As a matter of fact I will
soon be ordering one of their T-shirts. There
will be one easily predicted side effect of me
wearing such a piece of clothing though, as sure
as sure can be.
I would bet good money that smarty-pants remarks
would shadow me wherever I go.
“Hey, how can you live with yourself?!”
Unless I’m mistaken, you may hear more about
phobias down the road. I have a fear of ignoring
them now that they have their clutches around my
neck. Call it the Nophobiaphobia. |
