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Musings from Moyieboy ... |
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Does that man have a panty on his head? |
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July 24, 2017 |
By Ken Carpenter
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen ... ”What
are you doing to my panties, you sicko?!”
“Ahhhheeeeeee!” I cried. “My precioussss, it
is,” I hissed, cuddling the bundle of panties to
my chest as I scurried to the corner.
“You are not Gollom and this is not The Lord of
the Panties!” my late wife commanded. “Now spill
it, what are you up to?”
She was soon satisfied that I was not going to
put all of her panties on a rope and hang them
up across the entrance to the driveway. I simply
wanted to count how many she owned. For purely
scientific reasons, I might add.
I suppose there could also have been a hidden
desire to snoop in her underwear drawer, but
I’ll never admit it.
The whole thing is my doctor’s fault. While
waiting in his office I always catch up on his
latest supply of outdated magazines. Last week
one of them had a one-page report in it called
the Panty Poll.
For some odd reason (yeah right), it caught my
eye. I had the lovely receptionist, eyeing me
suspiciously, copy the page for me so I wouldn’t
get caught ripping it out, and I tucked it
safely away.
The poll stated that a reliable survey of
American women 18 and older found that they own
an average of 21 pairs of underwear. Nothing
earth shaking or overly revealing about that
fact, in and of itself, but the poll did dig a
bit deeper.
Some men may be disappointed to hear it, but it
said that 46% usually wear briefs, not bikinis.
It did not say why, but I’m guessing that
bikinis might tend to creep up on you more than
briefs.
Not that I’d know, no, not me.
It seems that 25% of women have at least one
pair that they would be mortified for someone to
see, either on them or in the drawer. Even my
sainted mother-in-law admitted that one of her
29 pairs of panties is reserved for when her
bottom will be immersed in garden muck, and is
not suitable for any other occasion.
Funny, as a kid you are always preached at not
to wear embarrassing undies in case you get
hauled to the hospital. Maybe our elders were at
least partially talking more about clean ones
than ragged ones.
27% of women say that their mood has been
affected by wearing ugly underwear. Maybe us men
should make it a point of bringing our women
pretty panties instead of candy or flowers, for
we are directly affected by mood swings.
30% complain that underwear rides up. See the
bikini remark above for my idea on the subject.
56% fold their underwear before they put it
away. The rest are in a bad mood from wearing
ugly, mustard colored panties and can’t be
bothered with any stupid folding.
45% say that the worst undergarment offense is
panties that stick out of clothing. I call that
a big “DUH RALPH!” Contrary to popular opinion,
we do not want to see your panties poking out of
your clothes.
Only 10% of American women will admit to going
out of the house without underwear. I think most
of them are famous and want to be even more
famous.
One well known term we have to thank panties for
is pantywaist, one of my favorite words used to
call a sissy a sissy.
A pantywaist actually used to be a child’s
undergarment that consisted of a shirt and pants
buttoned together at the waist. It no longer
exists, no doubt due to the humiliation that
would accompany any poor child caught dead in
one.
My late wife, proud owner of 24 pairs of
underwear, had a very annoying habit that flat
out, dare I say it, put my panties in a bunch.
When the occasion arose, which it did quite
often after I made the mistake of letting her
know that it galled me, she loved to refer to my
manly underwear as “panties.”
Oh, the indignity.
I decided to pay her back by walking into the
living room the next time we had company with a
pair of her panties on my head. It worked
marvelously, goggle eyes competing with gaping
mouths for supremacy.
Ahhh, victory is sweet. |
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